Why can't I just be a cog in the machine?
Why can't I just be a cog in the machine?
Do you also have this sulking feeling that time is running out?
I’m at my hometown in Kolkata right now and in the past few days, I’ve been visiting a few places that were integral to my childhood, my school, the park where we used to play almost every day, meeting people whom I’ve known almost since the time I stepped outside the 4 walls of my home for the first time, reminiscing the little things that used to give me joy, when we used to remember each others’ phone numbers by heart and would simply call other each to say, “Monopoly in 5 minutes at my place?”
Being satisfied meant getting a larger packet of Lays instead of the usual one, or playing a winning role in a cricket match with 10 other friends. My biggest concern was whether the Undertaker’s streak would be broken in the next Wrestlemania or if Sachin would be able to complete his 100 100s in international cricket.
When I went to college, I got my own laptop for the first time along with this newfound freedom. There was no one around me to tell me what I should do. And I spent the whole of my first year just watching TV shows after TV shows while I was populating my room with every kind of junk you could imagine.
However, in my second year onward, I started realizing that a lot of people around me were already doing a lot of things and the fact that they had utilized their first year very productively. That’s when it hit me that I’m way behind and I need to catch up.
That’s when everything started changing. I became too impatient for results. I started obsessing about how I could be more productive every second of my life. Life itself became a search for being more productive.
Ever since then, patience has never been a strong trait of mine. I became obsessed with getting things done quickly. During our semester exams, as soon as I would complete writing the paper, even though there was ample time for revision, I would never do so. I just wanted to get it done. One thing after another, I started feeding my need to get things “completed”. I started deriving a certain kind of high from “completing things”. Irrespective of how well they have been completed or if it was even the right thing to spend time on in the first place.
Now, everything is so different. I am constantly thinking about my place in this world and about the world at large. When did the transition from a little boy who was happy in his little world to the current me who is too obsessed with assigning meaning to his existence happened, I know not. Even though I am constantly reminded of the insignificance of it all. The insignificance of my existence. The rebel within me latches on to any sign that seems to indicate otherwise. I was recently reminded that I have been obsessed with building things that are being used by actual people. It made me realize that if anything I did adds any value to someone else’s life, it makes me feel that my existence indeed must have some value.
But, if you’ve not guessed it already, this way of living in which I’ve placed the value of my existence in the hands of someone else can be very dangerous. As soon as the validation loop halts, all my doubts and fears start cropping up again. A friend sent me this video where a few 20-year old Indians are interviewed about their perspectives on life and India in 1967.
It has left a very deep imprint on me. Particularly, how freely they spoke about the things that they want to do which were centered on their interests, like learning different languages, among others. One of them very bluntly said that he just wants to be a cog in the machine and asked what else does anyone want from him. The confidence with which he was able to speak truly baffled me. I am still processing as to why that is. Maybe I’ll speak about it in a later post when I’ve figured it out.
One thing that I’ve realized for sure is the bloated sense of self-importance that I’ve come to develop. The best I can probably do is be true to myself, find a way to sustain my life and that of my family in a way that feels meaningful to me, be present with the people that I’m spending time with, spread love as much as I can and if it’s not too much to ask, get myself a partner with whom I can be at peace.
Buss itna sa khwab hain
Of course, saying all of these things and actually living them are two completely different things. Since we are the lucky ones who have survived the pandemic and are not facing the brunt of the war (yet), the best we can do is learn from them as an outsider that life can be really short and there’s no point chasing some ulterior social status or living in the future. Our humanity will be remembered by those who have been around us. Those who are around us now. The one thing that we can truly give and that truly does add value (not the fleeting kind) is our love. I hope we can learn to love each other again and love each other more, without expecting anything in return!