A (birth-)day to remember

Is it a cliche to say that my mom is the best mom in the whole damn world? It's my birthday today and over the last 4 months, I've changed my eating habits to avoid excess sugary foods, to avoid overeating in general. Naturally, she wanted to make me a cake, given I've come back home for a couple of weeks. As hard as it was, I made it clear that I won't be able to eat the usual cake she makes, if she chooses to make one. That didn't stop her. Something clicked in her head and she asked if it was possible to make a cake using protein powder. Now, even though I've dampened my desires, they are there. I keep looking for healthy alternatives to meet my cravings and I've found an instagrammer who posts very tasty and healthy recipes. As soon as my mom enquired, it instantly struck me that the instagram person had shared a recipe for a banana chocolate cake using protein powder. As soon as I told her, off she went, into the kitchen to start weaving her magic. You need to trust me when I say that she is a maestro. She can cook the best meal you would have ever had on her first go. Her intuition is her guide. 30 mins of sorcery is all it took. The cake was ready to be baked. You can see the outcome for yourself.

My mom is the best part of coming back home for me. I really miss her presence when I'm away. Her laughter and the purity with which she expresses herself, with and without words. Sometimes I wonder how someone can be so lucky to have a mother like her. I must truly be blessed.

My brother also made the day special for me, even though he is many miles away charting out his own path. He knows that I'm not looking for anything big. It's the small things that make me happy. He got me these tiny laughing buddhas, which are so adorable. And incredibly sweet. I can't wait to take them back to my room in Bangalore.

This was his first gift of the day. He has a superpower, probably one that a true Marwari ought to have. He can manufacture unimaginable ways to get the best discount possible on any given thing. He also has a knack for understanding what someone would like. His gifts are typically very personalised and often, strike a chord with the person receiving them. Naturally, he was tasked with deciding the place for our family dinner. Not only did he pick the perfect restaurant where every single dish made us lick our fingers, he got us a whopping 50% discount. If that doesn't light up your face, sorry, you don't qualify as a Marwari. As a baseline, my grandmother had tears when she got to know this.

There is one change this time around. I'm trying to also pay attention to the rest of my family. It's hard. It really is. I'm used to being zoned out around them but I'm trying to pay attention. I think I'm taking some baby steps forward. I'm noticing that they are human too. They too have needs. More than anything, a need to be seen. To matter, be cared for and to connect. For someone to appreciate them for how they look. I told my grandmother that she was looking very pretty in her sari and that lit her face up. When we were taking a family photo, she was very reluctant and kept reiterating that photos make her feel very uncomfortable. But later, she insisted multiple times to see how the photos came out. After rejecting the first one, she felt satisfied about the second. "Not very bad", she noted. As we were exiting the restaurant, a tiny girl was standing on her seat and started waving her hands towards Baba (my grandfather). He waved back and I don't think I've seen him smile that much in a very long time. Albeit momentarily. I don't know if he knows I noticed it. My father was disappointed that I didn't notice that his stomach had shrunk a bit because he has switched to eating fruits for lunch. With him, it's the hardest. But I know he's a good person and has a good heart. He's changed a lot over the years and I need to see him for who he is today and not what I remember him as. Some of his current actions still make that very hard. But I know that I have a window now to change my relationship with him. We are able to talk respectfully (and maybe even with love) over the phone. I didn't imagine how hard it would be in person. I have to pinch myself while talking to him so that I pay attention and try to listen to him. Because every bit of me wants to just run away every time he starts talking.

I've been reading the book "The Body Keeps The Score" recently and it has given me so much already. It has showed me what trauma actually is. What causes trauma and how the imprints of trauma stay within the body, sitting beneath the surface, waiting to flare up. Day after day. It helped me understand why I've reacted the way I did on many occasions in the past. The way I continue to react sometimes even today. But equally as important, it is helping me understand that when someone is not able to live with gratitude, is constantly complaining or shouting, they must be really hurting themselves. Acting out the instructions given by the imprints of their own traumas. They need help too.

And so, I'm trying really hard in my interactions with him this time to see the human in him. Not just my father. It's fucking hard. But I got to do it. Because I still have time. For the first time, I feel there is hope to repair some of my most broken relationships. Some hope that I can make amends.

Some birthday haan!